It's Not Fair!

This seems to be a pretty constant refrain ... 
"It's not fair!"

The fact is, 
it's truly not fair.  

No one should have to live in this hell 
of fear and pain and frustration.  
No one should have to have uncontrollable rages 
and no friends.  
And no one should have to watch the children they love 
being tortured like this 
and be sooooo helpless.

It's not fair 
that we've had to learn 
how to comfort children 
who see things that frighten them so badly, 
when we see nothing, 
and it's not fair 
looking in our children's eyes 
and being frightened by the reality we do see.

It's not fair 
that we have to spend hours each and every day 
researching our children's disability, 
because the doctors don't.  

It's not fair 
that we spend a good part of every year 
educating people about our children, 
knowing we'll just have to start all over again next year. 

It's not fair 
that our children are not welcome at church,
at school, 
at the neighbors 
or grandparents house.

It's not fair 
that we have to start teaching life skills at 4 
so they'll have them almost mastered at 24.  

It's not fair 
that our children can't be children 
and do all the fun things, 
like spend the night at a friends house.  

It's not fair 
that even when you invite the entire class 
to your child's birthday party, 
you know no one will come.

It's not fair 
that our children have to learn 
to survive with sleep deprived, 
emotionally exhausted parents, 
but it's a fact of life.

I try to find a good side to this.  
Something that others miss, 
that we receive 
as a benefit from our children.  
There are a few things we can rejoice in 
with our children:
the innocence, 
the joy in learning something new every day,
even if it's the same thing they learned yesterday 
and the day before, 
the fun of mud puddles 
that doesn't fade at 8 or 9.

But when it all is factored in, 
all I can do is cry, 
"It's not fair!" 
and ask God why 
and know the answer will never make sense.  

"It's not fair!"  
People say life's not fair, 
but our children have never had a chance 
at life as most people know it.

I look at my daughter
 and want to scream 
and cry 
and reach into my brain 
and share some cells 
so she can find peace....

Da** it!!!  It's not fair!

by Kris Gordon, August 7, 2002
Grieving the Loss of the Dream