I Wish We Could Travel

Matthew is not as difficult as he used to be.
I remember being afraid I would not be able to take care of him much longer.
I remember being afraid of him.
I looked like I needed to live in a battered women's shelter.
I felt so guilty about having to give him drugs.
The first ones made him worse.
After three days on Adderal he was three times as bad.
Stimulants do not work for him.
The Risperdal has made his the days easier.
The Trazedone has made the nights better.
He is still FAS
And we still have severe melt downs.
He just recovers more quickly.
He talks about hitting and punching,
But he actually does it way less.
I would give anything to be able to set out on a trip with Matthew.
I am just not comfortable
With anything more than three hours round trip
Where I can get him back quick if all does not go well.
I feel so guilty that I could take Timothy and not Matthew.
I keep praying for a miracle,
So he could see the mountains,
See the ocean.
I would love a video of Matthew saying,
"Me and my family are going to DISNEYLAND."

-- Sharon A. July 29, 2000

Grieving the Loss of the Dream